Raising children is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world – and the one you may feel least prepared for.
Here are nine child-rearing tips that can help you feel more fulfilled as a parent.
- boost your child’s self-esteem.
Children begin to develop their self-esteem as babies when they see themselves through their parents’ eyes. Your tone of voice, body language and every expression is picked up by your children. Your words and actions as a parent influence their developing self-esteem more than anything else.
When you praise accomplishments, however small, they feel proud; when you let children do things independently, they feel capable and strong. In contrast, belittling comments or comparing one child unfavorably to another makes children feel worthless.
Avoid loaded statements or using words as weapons. Comments like “What a stupid thing to do!”or” You’re acting more like a baby than your little brother!”cause harm, just like physical blows.
Choose your words carefully and be compassionate. Let your children know that everyone makes mistakes and that you still love them even if you don’t love their behavior.
- catch children being good
Have you ever thought about how often you react negatively to your children on any given day? You may be criticizing much more often than complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with so much negative guidance, even if it was well-intentioned?
The more effective approach is to catch kids doing something right: “You made your bed without being asked-that’s great!”or” I saw you playing with your sister and you were very patient. “These statements will do more to encourage good behavior in the long run than repeated scolding.
Make a point to find something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards – your love, hugs and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find that you “grow” more of the behavior you want to see.
- Set limits and be consistent with your discipline.
Discipline is necessary in any household. The goal of discipline is to help children choose acceptable behavior and learn self-control. They may test the limits you set for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults.
Setting house rules helps children understand your expectations and develop self-control. Some rules might include: no TV until homework is done, and no hitting, name calling, or hurtful teasing allowed.
You may want to set up a system: a warning followed by consequences such as a “timeout” or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is failing to follow through with consequences. You can’t discipline kids for talking back one day and ignoring it the next. Being consistent teaches what you expect.
- make time for your children
It’s often difficult for parents and children to get together for a family dinner, let alone spend time together. But there’s probably nothing kids want more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child or leave the dishes in the sink and go for a walk after dinner. Children who don’t get the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they are sure they will be noticed that way.
Many parents find it rewarding to schedule time together with their children. Create a” special night” each week to be together and let your children decide how to spend the time. Look for other ways to connect – put a note or something special in your child’s lunchbox.
Teens seem to need less undivided attention from their parents than younger children. Because there are fewer opportunities for parents and teens to meet, parents should do their best to be available when their teen expresses a desire to talk or participate in family activities. Attending concerts, games, and other events with your teen communicates well and lets you learn more about your child and his or her friends in important ways.
Don’t feel guilty about being busy at work. It’s all the little things you do-making popcorn, playing cards, window shopping-that kids will remember.
- be a good role model
Young children learn a lot about how to act by watching their parents. The younger they are,the more cues they take from you. Before you whip out or blow your top in front of your child, think about this: Is this how you want your child to act when he or she is angry? Be aware that you are constantly being watched by your children. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home.
Model the qualities you want to see in your children: Respect, kindness, honesty, friendliness, tolerance. Demonstrate selfless behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward. Express gratitude and offer compliments. Above all, treat your children as you expect other people to treat you.
- make communication a priority
You can’t expect children to do everything just because you say so as a parent. “They want and deserve explanations just as much as adults. If we don’t take time to explain, children will wonder about our values and motives and whether they have any basis. Parents who argue with their children are allowing them to understand and learn non-judgmentally.
Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it, express your feelings, and invite your child to work with you on a solution. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Also, be open to your child’s suggestions. Negotiate. Children who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out.
- Be flexible and willing to adjust your parenting style.
If you often feel disappointed ” by your child’s behavior, you may have unrealistic expectations. Parents who think in “shoulds” (for example, “My child should be potty trained by now”) may find it helpful to educate themselves on the matter or talk to other parents or child development specialists.
Children’s environments affect their behavior, so you may be able to change that behavior by changing the environment. If you are constantly saying “no” to your 2-year-old, look for ways to change your environment so that fewer things are off limits. This will cause less frustration for both of you.
As your child changes, you will need to gradually change your parenting style. Chances are, what works with your child now won’t work as well in a year or two.
Teenagers tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers as role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement and appropriate discipline as you allow your teen to gain more independence. And use every available moment to connect!
- Show that your love is unconditional.
As a parent, you are responsible for correcting and guiding your children. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how a child receives it.
If you must confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which can undermine self-esteem and lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage your children, even as you discipline them. Make sure they know that even though you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what.
- Know your own needs and limitations as a parent.
Be honest – you are an imperfect parent. You have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities – ” I am loving and committed. “Vow to work on your weaknesses -” I need to be more consistent with discipline. “Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse and your children. You don’t have to have all the answers – be forgiving of yourself.
And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything at once. Admit it when you’re burned out. Take time off from parenting to do things that make you happy as a person (or as a couple).
Focusing on your needs doesn’t make you selfish. It simply means you are taking care of your own well-being, which is another important value for your children.